I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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