I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
