On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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