My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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