Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
