Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
