allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
