Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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