Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
