I can't breathe out the right side of my face
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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