so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
