I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
