hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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