a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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