i would punch a child for taco bell
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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