Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
