I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My vagina is officially offended.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
