Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
