You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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