omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
