I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
