Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
