You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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