If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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