Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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