My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Still dying that you shit outside
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
