Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
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Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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