i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life