you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize