I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Two words: nipple clamps
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