this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
