my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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