Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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