why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
