community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
