there's paper in my vomit.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Is it because I queefed?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
