I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
