Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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