Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
