btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You've changed since you got that strap on
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