If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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