i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
