There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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