you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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