Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
