My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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