Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there