Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
