just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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