And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
