I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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