I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
