Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
