I wish I could teleport
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
