Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
