I think I won the penis lottery.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
