If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
