CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dignity is for republicans.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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